Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Some Dark Thoughts

Good evening,

So I am coming to the end of my second day off this week, and it's it's going to be my last day of this week - as I just can't contemplate another day in the flats on my own.

This is what my depression, my anxiety, my general all state of play is right now.

And it's horrendous.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, okay that's not quite true.

But you get my point.

There is a certain staleness about all of this. I can’t put my finger on it.

And I'm scared.

Scares that my friends and family are getting to that point as well with me - which would be understandable considering how long I have had this to deal with.

Staying at home not going to work - obviously isn't good to me.

This is one of me worst aspects of depression and anxiety that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Whether that's going into work, going to the gym going on my bike going out to see my mum and sister, even before a gig - the idea of staying underneath the quilt - is hibernating is very appealing, particularly when I feel like this - which is pretty much every fucking day right now.

The one thing about my current bout of illness is just how useless professionals or people who you would expect to be able to help or guide me to the best form of therapy or treatment - and instead all they can give me are telephone numbers. Last Thursday I spent 45 minutes on the phone talking to a mental health specialist and in the end - what do I get given?

More cunting telephone numbers.

I jokingly said to my boss, if I was the criminal if I was the paedophile here I would’ve been given all the support possible - and when we think about it - there is no joking about it.

Because I would have had all the help that the state could give.  Admittedly I would've been in prison 10 years - bar no doubt my mind that I wouldn't have been treated as hideously as I have been.

I would have had weekly if not daily meetings with a shrink - a clear and guided plan to get me on the straight and narrow etc.

Isn’t that a fucking indictment on a system, which year after year, decade after decade failed its most vulnerable members of society.

Well enough of me ranting on and on - it's not doing me any fucking good - and now I need to get ready to go to bed - I need to make a guest appearance at work tomorrow.

B x

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