Wednesday, 19 October 2016

In The Mind Of Me...

I'm not sure what I am suppose to be putting down in here.

My head is fucking racing right now as I am not wanting to go to bed as I don't fancy having to experience another hideous night like last night's 'sleep'.

The process of trying to get to sleep may need to change - I have been trying to get to sleep as of late without the radio being on - in part because the last thing I want to hear about first thing in the morning is more bad news from this current shitspiel that is this world, but also because I found it quite hard to get to shuteye whilst there was some egotistical drone on in the background.

Be heading to bed imminently with deep trepidation.

B x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Guildhall Street North,Folkestone,United Kingdom

Anywhere Else To Fucking Hide...

After five consecutive days at work. Guess where I am this morning?

Not at work.


So, I'm at The Surgery, in the process of trying to find someone to fucking speak to - I'm at my fucking wits end - and feel that there is now no place - no fucking hiding place from this pissing, debilitating shitstorm.

Think of a constant evolving 31 minute Villalobos 126bpm stormer, with the bass drum throbbing on the 8 count - that's the sort of sound that's going on upstairs at the moment.

Okay that's a 21 minute remix - but you get my drift - its an ever changing consumation of rage, anger and fucking frustration - all at the same time. In one hit.

The name of the above track sums up my entire life these past few months - I have tried so hard to get through a full week's work without taking a day off because of this cunt.


Work have been absolutely amazing - trying to make life easier for me, which is why calling in this morning was all the more difficult and frustrating for me, trying to get me to do work, which keeps me in a safe state of mind, without dealing with anything that could trigger any unwanted thoughts.

But fuck me, this bastard just doesn't know when to let up.


And now, I'm on Ableton, working on a re-rub of Pon De Floor, more of a chilled out number - think the groove of a Carl Craig slower, and the complexity of a Christian Loffler number, with some form of Melodic feel of Petar Dundov.

Yep, I know. I'm beyond the point of return.

Monday, 10 October 2016

The Helter-Skelter

So here I am again in bed and I'm supposed to be at work and fucking hell I am trying to find the right words to such an extent that I am trying out this dictation app for the iPad so I can try and say everything down as and when I get some decent some relevant thoughts on my current state of mind.

So I called into work at 8:30 again this morning and pretended that I was suffering from diarrhoea as I always do when I'm trying to convince myself that it was that and not the D. I think the manager there just knew that I was fine down there - as I got the unnerving sense based on his kind of his voice that is he knew deep down that I just couldn't face eight hours of talking to strangers and freaks. 

And yet by time I put the phone down I think to myself what's the fucking point of that call - what is the point of taking a day off to hide away in here when I am going to have to go through it all anyway tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - shit I can't take any more time off this month. 

At this point you're wondering what the fuck have I've been up to - 

Well right now I am in bed reading/writing/talking - but most of the day is been a combination of FIFA, Ableton and watching countless YouTube videos - yep that's right boys and girls - that is my life right now that's betting on the 20p here in on random Serbian, Arabic and Vietnamese lower league football yeah A-fucking great stuff. 

The track that I have started producing on this morning - almost to the point of getting to the first mix down ending is quite orchestral in the approach that I have is composed - fucking now I am using very technical musical terms now makes a very piano driven 122 BPM track and it's got pianos across all octaves which is quite nice.

I'll be finding over the last couple of months particularly since this column about depression was overtaking me that could use some music has at times been quite refreshing and it's quite nice to get underneath the bonnets of particular programs to have a closer look at what everything does. Fellow DJ and producer Steve who produces a lot of eclectic sounds as well as sorting me out for gigs has said that I should put the effort in to learn music theory. 

Music. Theory. 

Legendary DJ TiĆ«sto once said it took him six years to complete his music theory. 

Some days I don't think I have one day to do everything that I want to do in my life.

I know people five, 10, 15 years younger than me who are life are married got their first mortgage or had their first child.

I'm heading towards the wrong side of 30 still moping around events that took place 20 years ago my childhood and I am genuinely one wondering just what's the fucking point. 

Admittedly I haven't taken any illegal substances for about three months now and I don't see myself doing that any time soon however that does not mean that I'm not still getting suicidal thoughts. I think of death on a day-to-day basis I think about how to end it all, I think about the funeral - what songs to have played and all that jazz. I think about the reactions of my family, my friends, my work colleagues as well as what people on social media would say .

Is that suicidal thoughts. Is just thinking about death part of the whole suicidal package?

Fuck knows,

All I know is I get these thoughts, and yet I do not know how to get out this spiral. 

Think of it like bring on a continuous helter-skelter. 

Yep. That. 

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Me and the D

In recent weeks there have been various news stories about celebrities talking openly about their depression and how in some cases they cope or some cases don't - and how what they do - their profession, passion, hobby is some form of therapy.

As I have alluded to in recent posts my own battles with the D has caused me to take days off work in partnership because I'm just not able to get up in the morning and deal with whatever the day brings. Or not.

There are many coping strategies - most of which I have utilised to some varying degrees of success but ultimately failure to deal with the overall tragedy of my depression.

Drugs, Alcohol, Curries. Cocaine, MDMA, Crystal Meth. Been there. Done it. Got the loose change somewhere.

But it can and does ultimately cause further problems down the line and there is a price that has to be paid.

I have come to the conclusion that whilst I get extremely lonely whilst in what is my living room producing - I do get down some of my very best work whilst I'm in such a dark place - and I wonder why the fuck does that happen.

Fucking surreal.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Where I am going. Fuck knows

Long time, no hear.  The last few months have been rather mixed.  Although the gigs have kept on coming in and the productions are slowly getting there - my one constant in my life seems like it's never going to go away.  My illness - which is what depression is at the end of the day is really causing serious problems for me work wise - to the extent that I have taken more days off up to now this year than any of the previous 11 years. Eight days in barely six weeks. The taxman will be annoyed with me come payday.  I have had my dose increased three times in as many months and I am thinking that I might need to try and get as much music completed whilst I'm still of this parish.  I can't rely on talking to friends about this anymore - its getting too hard to verbally speak about it, without getting angry about everything.  So writing down my own personal thoughts is the only way forward. 

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Dubfire & Oliver Huntemann - Fuego (Julian Jeweil Remix)

Admittedly this and the equally outstanding remix of 'Terra' that Joseph Capriati has done on the same remix package has been out for the best part of a month or so, but still wanted to flag this up!!!